In the future lasers will: eat for us; cook for us; love for us. Currently, there is nothing you can do that a laser cannot do more efficiently.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Thursday, May 24, 2007

for the record

Lasers played absolutely no part in this dark chapter of American history.

No more statements will be made on this matter.

it's that time again...

...for Lasers! Lasers! Lasers! Q & A. Let's see what's in the old mailbag today.

Q. Hey guys, great blog. Wher ecan [sic] I get a laser? They seem so cool from what you guys are saying.
-Steven, in Mexico City

A. Lasers are indeed cool, Steven; and you're not alone in wanting one. However, it is currently unlikely that you, or most people interested in possessing their awesome power is actually worthy. Sorry about that. Good question, though!

Q. Where did lasers come from? or where do lasers come from? whichever question you feel is better.
-Phil, in Shadyside

A. I published both questions, Phil, because they're both good ones. Most people are unaware that lasers originate from a different place today, than they did just 55,000 years ago. Today, they are made mostly in laboratory settings, or on the production floor of a factory. However, this is, as I said, a recent development: originally, lasers came from the center of the universe! It's amazing that for all the change, lasers still remain relatively the same.

Q. How precise would an orbital weapon platform equipped with laser canons be? Like would it have to wipe out a city every time, or could it be more selective in its targetting?
-Suzyn, in the Bronx

A. I think you're referring to a Strategic Defense Initiative system, Susyn. This is something that we've made mention of multiple times, but haven't offered many details about. Is this technology possible? Yes. Would we be safer with it in place? Most certainly. Is it possible that the system could be commandeered by a new-intelligence (like the lasers, for example), and would this result in the destruction of the world as we know it? Probably, and debatable, respectively. Your question is a good one, Susyn, and my answer is this: if you like your neighbors but hate their beagle, a space-based laser grid would be able to silence the yappy dog with minimum human cost.

Q. For all the talk about how cool lasers are, you never talk about the inherent dangers involved in lasers. I have a friend who lost vision in her eye after misusing a laser. Children can read this site. Where's the disclaimer?
-Sidney, in Cairo

A. Your friend is a moron who got what she deserved. And we hope children read this site.

Great round of questions everyone! It's a shame I couldn't answer them all. Keep them coming, and check back to see if you make the next round of Q & A.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

fun fact #1

Lasers invented the semi-colon, calculus, and the polio-vaccine.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Monday, May 21, 2007

Lasers in the bible

"In the beginning Lasers created the heavens and the earth.
Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of Lasers was hovering over the waters.

And Lasers said, "Let there be light," and there was light. Lasers saw that the light was good, and Lasers separated the light from the darkness. Lasers called the light "day," and the darkness they called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

And Lasers said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." So Lasers made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. Lasers called the expanse "sky." And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.

And Lasers said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. Lasers called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters they called "seas." And Lasers saw that it was good."

-The motherfucking King James Bible

There's more, but it basically goes on like that for the rest of the week.

viva la Gipper

Sunday, May 20, 2007


From the infallible Wikipedia:

"Simon, in the Graceland Classic Albums video, has said that he considers [Graceland] the best song he has ever written."

I beg your pardon, Paul, but that's a crock of shit. Your best song - I'll give you a hint: slow day... shattering of etc. ... the way the camera, you know...

Your Elvis pilgrimage takes backseat to the laser song right before it, Paul; every single time.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

anything else just wouldn't make the cut...

I really wonder what they use for slicing loaves of bread. I know what I'd use.

For all you sports fans out there!

Lasers played a pivotal role in deciding fifteen of the last sixteen World Series contests. Only the 2001 Diamondbacks and the 1993 Blue Jays won without the assistance and the blessing of lasers.

Most major sports have laser guidance for maximum athletic potential. The exception is the National Hockey League, whose glaring lack of a laser policy led to its consistent failure to catch on in all markets south of the 45th parallel. (The exception to that is the Detroit Red Wings who have used lasers for precision, accuracy, and power since 1977.)

Are we to conclude that lasers "enjoy" human competition? If one team of lasers were to play basketball against another, who would win? (We know Humanity would lose.) These are questions that will become increasingly relevant in the discourse of the next half-century.

Friday, May 18, 2007

question for the masses

Did anyone else get duped into thinking the NERF Eagle Eye had a real laser sight on it? I mean, we knew it wasn't going to be any more accurate than the Sharp Shooter, but at least with a laser on your gun you could blind the other kids.

What a scam.

another shake-up to be aware of...

Cyclops' optic-blast, mutant laser power is being revoked.

It will be reallocated to one of the only superheroes truly worthy of a laser: Batman.

This is a logical move for two reasons: first, that Scott Summers was a turkey and the lasers realized they could do a lot better; second, Batman did not seek the power of the lasers. This second point factored heavily in the decision process when addressing the first.

NB: While it may look like a lightsaber in the picture, it is definitely a laser.

Laser humor

What does the quantum electronics theorist do to his wife on their wedding night?

He laser!


The technology is currently available to produce lasers that can replicate food that we humans subsist on. A laser could, for example, take five loaves and two fishes and multiply them to feed a crowd of at least 5000.

Is it possible that Jesus of Nazareth employed lasers to achieve just this? Probably not, as the concept of the laser didn't exist until the early twentieth century. However, it is important to consider the miracles lasers are capable of, and how it could affect our very thinking about spirituality, the afterlife, and the idea of God itself.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Real Estate

Another reason lasers are ideal for replacing humans (their tasks made redundant, obivously) is that lasers require an incredibly minuscule amount of space to exist, and do not need housing, as we know. One thing that humans will not have to fear from the lasers is competition for residential space. For this reason, lasers also do not ever need to commute to their place of service - they can remain stationary.

Thus, there will never be any migrant laser villages (the mere concept is preposterous), and lasers will play a huge role in eliminating urban pollution.

Q & A

Buckle up; our first round of Lasers! Lasers! Lasers! Q & A is underway:

Q. How will I know when lasers have taken over?
-Deb, in Massillon.

A. You'll just feel it, Deb! Lasers are extremely willful things, and that willfulness can be picked up by those around them. In much the same way that we just "feel out" the lasers' intents when writing this blog, you too will know the exact hour of their coming and what you can do to best serve them.

Q. Are lasers smart? I always thought so, but my buddy keeps saying they're not. What's the deal?
-Richard, in Okinawa.

A. Lasers are very smart. It's a common misconception that they're not, that they lack 'sentience.' Your friend is not alone in his ignorance, Richard, nor will he be alone in his fate. Good question!

Q. Does it ever blow your mind to think that the slowest laser is faster than your fastest thought?
-Glen, in McKeesport.

A. All the freakin' time, Glen.

Q. How did this blog get started? Like, are you guys for real? I don't get it.
-Kim, in Terre Haute

A. Lasers are very much "for real," Kim, and so are we. This blog is the collobaration of several friends and coworkers who, in recent months, realized that the imminent evolution of society was to be predicated on the fact that lasers were superior to most things in current existence - people included. We felt that taking this shared view to the internet was the only natural course of action, and having had positive experiences with in the past, we chose this as our virtual home base. While we encourage as many readers as possible, and ask that those who do read take the information posted here as seriously as possible, we accept a certain degree of predetermination on the part of the lasers: what you do and what you care to believe now will have no bearing on the world to come.

Thank you to everyone who submitted questions! The response was great, and hopefully we'll be able to get to some of the ones we passed on into our next Q & A installment.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

New book

I photoshopped Pat Robertson's book cover.

Now it's up to the lasers to replace his god.

other mythical creatures

Lasers are fine with:
-Mermaids; assuming they can swim out of the way in time*.
-Flying horses; assuming they can fly out of the way in time**.
-Unicorns; as long as they have their horns lasered off.

**highly doubtful.

no applause necessary

Faires will be obsolete.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

This laser's name is Emma.

on the issue of books

Lasers have no need for volume bound, textually based, written language. However, they are sensitive to our deep rooted Orwellian paranoia, and thus will permit the surviving humans, if there are any, to possess and utilize books.


In the future, there will be more mirrors and reflective surfaces.

Also, eye-glasses will be banned; laser eye surgery will be the only available method of sight improvement.

Solid state lasers

Solid state laser materials are commonly made by doping a crystalline solid host with ions that provide the required energy states. For example, the first working laser was a ruby laser, made from ruby, or (chromium-doped sapphire).
Neodymium is a common dopant in various solid state laser crystals, including yttrium orthovanadate (Nd:YVO4), yttrium lithium fluoride (Nd:YLF) and yttrium aluminium garnet (Nd:YAG). All these lasers can produce high powers in the infrared spectrum at 1064nm. They are used for cutting, welding and marking of metals and other materials, and also in spectroscopy and for pumping dye lasers. These lasers are also commonly frequency doubled, tripled or quadrupled to produce 532nm (green, visible), 355nm (UV) and 266nm (UV) light when those wavelengths are needed.
Ytterbium, holmium, thulium, and erbium are other common dopants in solid state lasers. Ytterbium is used in crystals such as Yb:YAG, Yb:KGW, Yb:KYW, Yb:SYS, Yb:BOYS, Yb:CaF2, typically operating around 1020-1050 nm. They are potentially very efficient and high powered due to a small quantum defect. Extremely high powers in ultrashort pulses can be achieved with Yb:YAG. Holmium-doped YAG crystals emit at 2097 nm and form an efficient laser operating at infrared wavelengths strongly absorbed by water-bearing tissues. The Ho-YAG is usually operated in a pulsed mode, and passed through optical fiber surgical devices to resurface joints, remove rot from teeth, vaporize cancers, and pulverize kidney and gall stones.
Titanium-doped sapphire (Ti:sapphire) produces a highly tunable infrared laser, commonly used for spectroscopy as well as the most common ultrashort pulse laser.

Thermal limitations in solid-state lasers arise from unconverted pump power that manifests itself as heat and phonon energy. This heat, when coupled with a high thermo-optic coefficient (dn/dT) can give rise to thermal lensing as well as reduced quantum efficiency. These types of issues can be overcome by another novel diode-pumped solid state laser, the diode-pumped thin disk laser. The thermal limitations in this laser type are mitigated by utilizing a laser medium geometry in which the thickness is much smaller than the diameter of the pump beam. This allows for a more even thermal gradient in the material. Thin disk lasers have been shown to produce up to kiloWatt levels of power

Laser for the cure

I'm sorry, but if they really wanted to win the race against cancer, they'd get lasers to run it for them.

Lasers are so fast!

This laser's name is Pete.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Questions for Lasers.

If a laser moves throughout the forest, yet no one is around, does it make a sound?
Do lasers make sounds at all?

My theory is that once lasers take over, there will be no more music. There will be the simple, delicate sounds of lasers moving at different lengths and speeds.

These sounds will cause such great orgasms in each human's body that they will be forced to combust. Lasers will eradicate the human race without even trying.

the future is undeniably here

Further proof that everything posted on this blog is exactly true.

security upgrade

Soon, the annoyance of typing in a password will be eliminated. In its stead there will be--but what else--a laser retina scan.

A theory...

Women are attracted to lasers for their power, their durability, and most importantly, their precision.


Lasers have no need for the moon, and in time, will explode it.

Just so we are all clear:

“Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation”

Sunday, May 13, 2007

you're not dreaming...

Lasers are taller than everyone on the team, impervious to AIDS, and indifferent to petty things like basketball.

Good News

The future will involve a war between these sharks and the lasers. The lasers will have no difficulty triumphing, but will most likely hold back on immediate decimation of the fearsome fish in order to prolong the awesomeness.

On a more whimsical note, Graham and I decided that if there really are sharks with buzzsaws for teeth, then they must live in the skies. It would then be logical to assume that the reason planes do not go above a certain altitude is for fear of these predators. Also the reason the space shuttle is so hard to get out of the atmosphere; the lasers must be perfect in their cover fire or risk the lives of the entire mission crew.

clearing up some confusion

Many people think that when James Bond activates the grappling hook function on his wrist watch, he is utilizing the primary function of his mission gadget. That is, in fact, incorrect. The primary function of any of his covert devices is the laser. Some watches do also contain grappling hooks, poison darts, etc. But the important part is the laser.

Important Conundrum(s)

If lasers will, indeed, do everything in the future (which is a doubtless fact), and if, indeed, all which is not needed in this laser paradise will be elminated (hard to refute), what role will humans play in this electrolight utopia?

Perhaps more importantly, if the lasers choose to, indeed, eliminate us, could we say they were wrong?

If humanity is not eliminated, will lasers die for us?

Happy Fantasy

This is just a dream on my part, but what if the lasers kept Hammond organs as pets? Of course it's nonsense; lasers have no need for music outside of their own harmonies.

Mother's Day

In the future, there will be no mothers. Lasers have no need for them.

This, of course, means no Mother's Day. The holiday has consistently been held on a Sunday, so there is no reason to think these changes will affect vacation planning.

Fiber-hosted lasers

Solid state lasers also include glass or optical fiber hosted lasers, for example, with erbium or ytterbium ions as the active species. These allow extremely long gain regions and can support very high output powers because the fiber's high surface area to volume ratio allows efficient cooling. In addition, the fiber's waveguiding properties tend to reduce thermal distortion of the beam. Quite often, the fiber is designed as a double-clad glass fiber. This type of fiber consists of a fiber core, an inner cladding and an outer cladding. The index of the three concentric layers is chosen so that the fiber core acts as a single-mode fiber for the laser emission while the outer cladding acts as a highly multimode core for the pump laser. This lets the pump propagate a large amount of power into and through the active inner core region, while still having a high numerical aperture (NA) to have easy launching conditions. Fiber lasers have a fundamental limit in that the intensity of the light in the fiber cannot be so high that optical nonlinearities induced by the local electric field strength can become dominant and prevent laser operation and/or lead to the material destruction of the fiber.


Soon, all language will be reduced to the following sound: