In the future lasers will: eat for us; cook for us; love for us. Currently, there is nothing you can do that a laser cannot do more efficiently.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Laserwatch: lasers in the news

Two important pieces of information have come to our attention regarding lasers and their incredible power, awesomeness, innovation, and superiority.

First, sources in the American military have reported that lasers have learned how to talk to people. While there is little reason for them to do so, as they clearly could cause us to do their bidding without such subtleties (and one cannot conceive of a reason they would need us to do their bidding), this gesture may be an expression of their unparalleled beneficence. Such a technique might be used to reduce the inevitable human casualties in a takeover of human affairs by lasers to merely shocking levels. Or they may more directly toy with us, should they please.

Second, and more important: The Most Powerful Laser in the Universe has made court at the University of Michigan. (Whether this is the most powerful laser in the universe is irrelevant: they could make a more powerful should they choose.) Termed "HERCULES" by those who dare discuss it, this laser has demonstrated a power equivalent to that of the sun, concentrated onto a grain of rice. It likely weilds enough firepower to destroy an entire planet. Though its intentions may not be comprehended, one may take this as more evidence of the imminent revolution.

If you wish to pay it obeisance, please walk barefoot to U of M and prostrate yourself naked beyond its laboratory door. By HERCULES, don't attempt to make eye contact!

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